(Today is October 3, 2026)
My desire to write a blog back in May obviously was not met with the will to do it.
Here we are, almost 5 months after the last entry. Most of that time from mid-May to early-September was consumed by chemo treatments and managing the side effects. The intense fatigue and the numerous side effects that popped up, made it increasingly difficult to do anything besides resting and healing.
On the good days I was able to get into my studio and work on some bats which has always felt meditative and nurturing to me. In early September I started exploring some ideas I had with printing (you can see an update on that in the September 16th Patreon entry - accessible to free as well as paid members).
The chemo process was intense but it kept me on a sort of timeline in my mind. I was fixated on getting through the 6 rounds/4 months and it gave me a purpose. The ‘chemo brain’ fog kept me in a kind of daze, I wasn't interested in knowing much about news or visiting social media. Scott and I tried to keep up daily walking when I didn't feel too weak. My goal had been 5000 steps a day. I was lucky if I got half that amount but I did get to 5000 on a few days each month.
The effects of the chemo were cumulative, after my 4th round I was forced to delay the 5th round because of low platelet numbers. The dosage was adjusted for the last 2 rounds and although things were a bit late, they got back on track.
After the chemo ended, my attention was then fixated on the surgery which was scheduled for September 23rd. Now, I'm 11 days out from the completion of the surgery and my attention is less specific. The PostOp pathology report from the extracted lymph nodes showed there has been no spreading of the cancer to the lymph nodes, and that the surgeon removed the 2 tumors with a good amount of margin. This is really good news but strangely I don't feel all that celebratory. I have been in ‘neutral’ mode since receiving the diagnosis back in April. So ‘feeling’ kind of left the building back then. I think it might be a reaction that serves as protection. (the only thing that penetrated the feelings-block was the kindness and support we received, that emotion could not be held back. I experienced the power of Kindness in a way I had never before) And perhaps that celebration is premature because my treatment continues for another 7 months.
The remaining treatments are to ensure that there is the least probability of recurrence possible. These treatments have revolutionized the success of breast cancer survival. It feels, however, that I will still be in the clutches of the process for the foreseeable future. I'm grateful for the advances in treatment and at the same time, it seems they will keep me in a state of limbo.
Once my surgical wounds heal and I can move around more freely, I wonder…will I be inspired to make art? Will I be inspired to write lyrics? Will I suddenly be thrown into a reckoning of the mental and emotional effects of this experience which essentially have been put on hold due to the attention and fixation on managing the physical aspects of the process so far?
What will Radiation feel like? Will I experience the intense fatigue that I hear some do while undergoing Radiation and targeted treatments?
I have no idea. Everyone is different.
For now I will continue reading the fascinating book 'Ninth Street Women' by Mary Gabriel (about the women who were influential painters in the NYC Modern Art scene/revolution of the 30s, 40s and 50s), watching documentaries about the various art movements and artists, DIY movements in the arts in NYC, eating healthy and trying to get those steps in…
musically and artfully yours,
S
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