(Today is April 28, 2026)

Today was my first appointment with the oncologist. Just as it was with the breast surgeon, it was a deluge of information. I had my list of questions, she had her packets of information. It felt strange to walk into a ‘Cancer Center’, the building was like any medical type of building as was the office. Windows all around made it light and airy and the receptionist was very bubbly and sweet. On a table at the back of the room there were four mannequin heads, one with a wig, two with knit hats and one with nothing at all,  a stark reminder that very soon I would no longer have hair. 

The idea of losing my hair is scarier than the idea of shaving my head. I feel that having a clump of hair in my fist is exponentially more alarming than making the decision to remove my hair myself and be bald for a while. 

Always in search for a way to turn things to a positive light, I've decided that since we come into this world bald, this new adult baldness will be a sort of rebirth. Also, the word for Bat in French is Chauve Souris which translates to Bald Mouse, so that fits just perfectly especially as Bats symbolize rebirth and transformation and I am, after all, the Bat girl.

Each appointment, each test I undergo, cements the reality that much deeper that this is for real, it's happening and I'm not going to be playing shows for quite a while. I'm sitting on the couch in our living room as I write this, Scott is next to me editing a video, the video for the online event World Goth Day which is happening at the end of May. That will be our Summer show, an online event, well, at least we have that.

Next week I will have a port inserted under my skin for the administering of the chemo. 

So much information in a short amount of time, it all feels exhausting, like I've been doing this for months, but it's only been a couple of weeks and, I haven't even started treatment yet! 

My biggest fear at the moment is that it takes so long to go through the treatment process that Scott and I could lose all that we have been building.

But someone said to me just last week, don't worry, it will all be there when you come back.

I hope they're right.

Thanks for reading.
Au revoir et merci
Samantha aka Frenchy
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